Sunday, January 15, 2017

Some people are like forest fires. 
They will hynotise you from afar. 
They will draw you in with their warm glow.
But as soon as they get close enough, they will infect you with their  flames and  burn you to the ground until there is 
nothing left.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

He asked me how I expect anybody to be happy with me 
when I'm not even happy with myself.

I adored tramping
I have my restricted license, I passed my second attempt on Friday 13th! I can drive where ever I want and Etta sits in the front seat with me when we go out.
I'm in to my third week of my Bachelor of Nursing, and loving it! I feel so good about this year and it feels amazing to be learning. We already have a study group and we study every Thursday at somebody's house. I'm really excited about it.
I went in a helicopter. 
B bought his house, he's been living there a couple months now. His flat mates are cool guys too. Only thing I find hard is that they are very keen hunters. They leave dead animal bits lying around. The other day I took B's dog out for a walk and found a severed deer head on the driveway. He was such a beautiful stag and it made me so sad. To them this is normal, they wouldn't even have thought twice about it. But to me it's just fucking barbaric. I actually, surprisingly get along with them really well. Despite the slaughter of animals for fun. I'm trying my very best to have an open mind, and to not enforce my values on others. I understand that B and his friends/family have very different views on the world than me. And that's okay. It does get hard, but we do okay.
I've started planning my 21st party. 
Because I'm studying, I'm not working very much and I miss that. And I miss having money. I miss my residents.
My sister turned six today. 
I've made some new friends.
I had pasta for tea. 
That's all I have for you for now.
It's 8pm and I am fighting to stay awake, it's so nice to be sleepy at night. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

“She had a lively, playful disposition that delighted in anything ridiculous.”

- Jane Austen 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Friday, December 12, 2014

It will be Christmas soon.
I'm busy getting things organised for next year, it's so scary. 
B is away for a couple of weeks for Xmas and New Years but when he gets back we are going to go tramping. Just me, him and our dogs. I'm a little bit scared about this too because we are going up the Tararuas. People have died up there, experienced campers too and I'm on the total other end of the scale. I'm nervous about having to totally rely on B so much, this is something he's done a few times before. Being so far from everything in case something goes wrong scares me too! I'm trying not to think about the bad things but I can't help it. It will be lovely, I know that and so nice to be away from everything and out in the bush. Just what I need I think and it'll be very good for me to get out of my comfort zone for a bit. Eeee! 
I have to have a $250 blood test for next year. 
B has put an offer on a house! ?!??! I KNOW. Not for "US" its for himself and I doubt I'll live with him for a long long time yet but very exciting. He's so grown up, it blows me away sometimes. 
My dog keeps killing hedgehogs and it's awful. 
M is doing well. She's going through chemo and radiation soon. They are hoping to start it before Christmas. I've learnt so much already it's amazing. She's amazing. 
I'm baby sitting a piglet this weekend. 
A man got murdered with an axe tonight. Just down the road from B's house.
That is all. 

We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls,
"You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man."
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don't teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes

Beyonce - Flawless
I hope you know the lengths I am going through, to not feel. 

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Sunday, November 2, 2014

A resident at my work, her daughter has cancer in her kidneys, lungs and brain. She's dying. She's only 50 and they think she's only got a couple of weeks left. The resident was telling me that she's probably never going to see her again because the dying daughter in Palmerston North and she can't get there to see her so I offered to take her. Mum came too, we took my car. We left at 9am this morning and got back to Upper Hutt for my shift at 4.30. It was so sad. There are no words. I can't even imagine saying goodbye to my mum for the last time ever, or vice versa, a mum saying goodbye to her girl forever. 
I've had a really emotional day.
And I had the worst pita pit I've ever had, B has gone to a party and not invited me, I'm just exhausted in every single way and I just want to cry. 
Cancer sucks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today me, my mum and my friend with cancer who I will call M went to a Marae for like this carnival kinda day thing. My mum's friend asked if we could go and set up like a petting zoo kinda thing for these kids. I took my rabbit and the rats and mum brought Etta and some chickens. I think the kids really enjoyed it. It was actually pretty cool. There was a real sense of community there and the people were all so nice. After that M and I went to the hospital so she could have a CT scan. I couldn't go in with her so I sat in the waiting room and made friends with a man. He told me that he had cancer at the bottom of his esophagus and in his stomach and couldn't eat properly for months. He went from 89kg to 55kg. He said they chopped out half of his stomach and some of his esophagus and then had two rounds of chemo. After the second one they said they had to stop because he was loosing way too much weight so he was there having a CT to see if it had gotten rid of all the cancer. He said he feels really good, and that he's sure there's no more cancer. It was two years since his diagnosis and he said he only mowed the lawns for the first time last week and he was exhausted for two days afterwards. I said it must be awful but he just shrugged and said "I'm alive". I will probably never know if he was clear of the cancer or not, and we saw him again as we were leaving. I glanced up as our bus was driving away and he was outside our window on the other side of the road waving at us. 

We had another appointment today and that one was to talk to the surgeon about options. Her cancer is in her breast. He said he can do a mastectomy and remove her whole breast or just remove the tumor and give her five weeks of radiation five days a week, in this case there is a 17% chance that they will not get all of it and she'll have to have a second surgery to remove her whole breast. What a decision! Poor M, it must be so scary. Anyway at this point she's thinking of getting the tumor removed and keeping her breast. Anyway, she's not going to die so that's the main thing. Other than that it was actually a good day. Everyone at the hospital was so lovely, we got a free tester frappe at starbucks and I bought Taylor Swift's new album yuss.
This is my dog Etta and B's dog Shadow.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

The fight which is supposed to be in a couple of hours is not happening. My partner who I will refer to as B, is currently wrapped up in two duvets shivering and spewing his guts out. There goes MONTHS of hard training out the window. Poor B, he's so gutted.
I'm trying not to go and look after him because I'll most likely get sick too. I wouldn't mind if I hadn't picked up that dementia shift tomorrow but it's kind of important that I make it. It sucks coz we haven't hung out in ages and I'm bored! 

Friday, October 17, 2014

I got accepted in to Whitireia, I'm actually doing it ahhhh! I'M GOING TO BE A NURSE. I'm trying to pick up lots of shifts at work coz pretty soon I'll have to cut most of my shifts so I'm trying really hard to save money! I've picked up a shift in the Dementia wing on Sunday, I've never worked there before and I'm really looking forward to it. 
Etta came home from the dog school yesterday yayy! It's so nice to have her around again.
My boyfriend who does not want me to put his name on here STILL, has a kickboxing fight tomorrow night, it's his first fight so it's all very exciting and scary. He's been training like crazy and we've barely seen each other, it'll be nice when it's all over. I'm super excited for him though, he's doing so well.
My friend who's name I'll also keep private has got cancer. I am going with her to all her appointments and stuff, she hasn't really got any friends or family. I'm kind of all she's got. It's so scary. Yesterday we went to the hospital they pretty much confirmed that it's cancer and we're going back on Monday for a biopsy and then we have to go to five other tests, bone scans and MRIs and all these other things that went straight over my head. 
It's almost summer, my hair is orange and I can't stop watching Grey's Anatomy.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I don't need you or anybody else.
I'm fine on my own.
Better than fine, actually. I'm fucking fantastic.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

"I was 17 when I wrote that. That's the age you are when you think someone can actually take your boyfriend. Then you grow up and realise no one takes someone from you if they don't want to leave."
 - Taylor Swift

Saturday, August 16, 2014

An illustrated update of my life:

Today for breakfast I made a smoothie with banana, blueberries, probiotic yogurt, chia seeds, LSA, spirulina and kale. It was super healthy but tasted awful. I don't mind too much though, it'll be worth it. I decided to start losing weight before the year 13 school ball in 2011. I started at 84kg and got to 75kg before the ball. My weight has been going up and down since then. After I became a vegetarian I got to 70kg and then after me and Jason broke up the last time I got down to 62kg. I'm now back at 70kg but ideally I'd like to be at 60. Anyway I'm trying to focus on being more active and eating a bit better. I've been doing yoga and taking my dog on bush walks and enjoying it so much. I even started going for runs for a while. I seem to have lost a bit of motivation with that but I will get back in to it. Anywaaaaay here's a picture of me in like 2012 at 84kg and me today at 70kg. Still not where I want to be, but getting there!

My beautiful rat Barbara died last week, I got her put to sleep, she had a cancer growth thing on her lower belly and she was getting so old. It really sucks. I miss her. I bought a new baby rat a day before I got her put down, otherwise my other rat Elephant would have been by herself and I don't want that. I named the baby Peggy Sue hahhaha.

RIP my lady

Peggy Sue
Mum, Anthea, my nana and I all got tattoos together as sort of like a memorial thing for my great nana. This is nana getting hers. She'd kill me if she knew it was on here, but I don't think many people read this anymore and it's where I keep all the secrets so it's okay. 

This is my finished tattooo!

ALSO! I have almost completed my enrolment form for next year. It was so intense! It wants me to write all about myself and my beliefs and why I want to be a nurse and all that! Argh. All I need to do is get a copy of my passport signed by a Justice of the Peace and get my CV up to date and then send it off! Eeee! 

Etta is having puppies. The police dog school bred her and we took her to the ultra sound, the guy said he could only see two! That's a very small litter, but there might be more. Pretty exciting but we won't really get to see them. We can only visit. She goes in to the dog school next week and she'll be gone for two months. It's going to be shit. I bloody love that dog. 

Anyway I think that's everything. Everything else in my life is wonderful, including that partner of mine.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Today I feel like maybe I am drowning.

Friday, July 11, 2014

He told me he loves me. 
"If you have to choose between me and someone else, pick them. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is going to question if they made the right choice."

Friday, July 4, 2014

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

  1. You are stronger than you realise.
  2. You are crueller than you realise.
  3. The smallest words will break your heart.
  4. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
  5. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
  6. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
  7. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
  8. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
  9. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
  10. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
  11. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
  12. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
  13. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
  14. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
  15. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
  16. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
  17. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
  18. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
  19. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
  20. You will be okay.
  21. You will be okay.

  - 21 things my father never told me  

(I didn't write this, I found it on tumblr!)
"I didn't tell you about it because I knew it'd upset you."
Under no circumstances is this okay.
I don't care how small.
Don't even go there.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Ohh shit. 
I'm afraid I'm falling very much in love.

Friday, June 6, 2014

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

Well, I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
How do I tell my best friend that I can't go to his 21st if Jason and his girlfriend will be there?
I wish I could say I'm strong enough to be in their presence without having a meltdown.
I spent the long weekend in Napier with my boyfriend and his best friend and his fiancé and their kid. It was nice, they are really cool people.
I'm feeling wonderful today. 

And if you
want to call me baby
Just go ahead, now
If you
like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead, now
If you
wanna buy me flowers
Just, go ahead, now
And if you
 like to talk for hours
Just go ahead, now

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

My dog and I went on an adventure in the bush.
I didn't know where we would end up but it didn't even really matter. I live in such a beautiful place and it's too easy to forget that sometimes.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

To the six people who have seen me naked.

1. You know, when we broke up you lost somebody who would have given you the world. I would have done anything for you, and never given up. I loved you unconditionally. And what did I lose? Somebody who didn't really know if they wanted me or not, so you pretended, till somebody better came along. Who lost more huh? Certainly not me. I sure hope she makes you smile.

2. You need to learn that girls are not computer games.

3. We were friends since we were 11. You took me on my first date ever and I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. We went to the river and went swimming in our clothes. The night at the hotel; I'm sorry that happened. But it did. I still think about you sometimes. I looked at your facebook and it looks like your life is going exactly where you wanted it to. You look so happy.

4. You are sweet. So lovely. And we had this thing, we did stuff. And as soon as I started to get feelings for you, I got so scared and I ended it. And I'm sorry. But I had to end it before it became too much. My god I had fun with you and you made me feel beautiful. I'm so sorry I made you cry.

5. You have the most incredible mind. I love your sense of adventure and the way you see the world. You are beautiful. Inside and out. I still don't know what you wanted and why you wanted it from me. It'd be nice if we could be friends, but it's too late and I'm okay with that, I hope you are too.

6. I know deep down you're not that bad, you are just protecting yourself. We all are. But I think sometimes you forget that I'm delicate. You've taught me that I don't need anybody to make me happy; that it can be found within myself and you've made me strong. I never thought I'd end up with somebody like you, but I did. And I'm glad I did because think you're pretty special.
So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Yesterday I turned 20.
We ate garlic bread and macaroni cheese.
My boyfriend took the day off work to spend it with me. We didn't really do anything special, but it was nice.
He has a husky and him and the dog he lives with had puppies and they are beautiful.
It's getting so damn cold.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Allanah - 1
The past - 0

I'm winning, motherfucker.

Friday, April 4, 2014

I've made a rule and that rule is that I'm not allowed to think about you, miss you, talk about you, blog about you or be sad about you.
And that rule is a rule that I sometimes break.
A couple of days ago, a radio station was having a competition to find "the hottest girl in NZ" and I was telling mum how stupid and wrong I think it is. And she suggested I sign up for it because the winner gets $2500! And that would be perfect for me to finally get my car. Anyway my mum talked to my boyfriend who went and signed me up for it, and I put my opinions and morals aside and went along with it. Obviously I did not win, I wasn't even expecting to. All the girls had lots of boob showing and were just a lot more attractive than me. Anyway, even though I knew I would not win, I was actually surprised at how shit I felt about it all. I feel so worthless compared to those girls and it really threw me for a little while. I'm mad because I thought I was so much better than that! And who cares about a stupid, shallow competition anyway. But I hate how I felt like those girls were so much better than me, just because they were "hotter" ugh. Anyway, I'm over it now but I just felt like writing about it on here rather than talk about it because I didn't want anybody to know that I actually cared in the end.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I have been quiet lately, but I'm still here and things are good.
I have a boyfriend now, he's great.
Him and I are total opposites and we're both exactly the kind of people we told ourselves we'd never end up with.
But it just sort of happened and it's this big wonderful accidental mess and I love it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Last night I lay in bed and told a boy that I love him.
I'm really good at getting myself in to situations that hurt.  
My baby sister turned five yesterday and my trip to New Plymouth was amazing.
I've decided I'm going to do nursing next year.
I feel very tired and the weather is cold and it sucks.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Last night I had dinner at my grandparents and it was great, I can't even remember the last time I laughed like that.
I cried at the mall last week. But we won't go in to that.
This weekend I am going to New Plymouth to my "friend's" flatmate's baby's babtism hah. And I am so nervous.
I haven't really been doing much lately but I have been doing a lot of thinking and it is making my hair fall out.
"I was told that time would heal all wounds.
But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?"

Saturday, February 15, 2014

We got all dressed up and he took me to the park and we had fish and chips under a tree. He made me laugh until we fell asleep.
He hates Valentine's day but we did it anyway, and it was so special. 

I like him a lot.  

Friday, February 7, 2014

This is Arthur.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I have never been so utterly disgusted with anybody in my entire life.
I know who she is.
You used to talk about her.
And not even a month after we break up, my mum saw you together.
You make me so fucking sick.
I hate you so much, it is beyond words.
I hope I never have to see you again in my life.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

My baby bunny died during surgery.
My rat, Charlotte got put down because she had a brain tumor.
Jason has a new girlfriend.
There are no words.
I am devastated.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Je m'ennuie de mon meilleur ami.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

It is now 2014. On New Years I went to a party dressed as a genie and got invited to a three-some. This year so far has been pretty good, even though my baby rabbit broke her leg and costed me all of my car savings. I did get my learners though. And my bunny is fine. My rat Charlotte is not fine though, and I think maybe she is going to die and that makes me very, very sad.
There is a boy that I like. But that's all I'm gonna say about it because I don't really know what is going on.
There was an earthquake two nights ago, it sucked having no one to look after me. And it also sucks that we never got to go to the aquarium together and it really sucks that people you love hurt you but that is life and I'm doing okay.
I have not cried in months. Not even when I saw him at the supermarket.
That's all I have to say for now.

Friday, January 3, 2014

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

Saturday, December 21, 2013

There are two types of people in the world:
The people who will kiss you after you've given them oral sex
and the people who won't.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I haven't blogged it yet. I don't think I've told anybody or even said it out loud.
But fuck, 
I miss you.
I miss you so much that I can't even say it
because no words can even grasp at the edges of how I feel when I think about you
 and what it was like to go to the bakery together, and eat those chips while we watched Jeremy Kyle.
Today I couldn't remember your subway order.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

I have some cool animals.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

No, I don't want "good" and I don't want "good enough"
I want "can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The first time I saw a shooting star, I wasn't really sure what it was. I thought maybe shooting stars were just a thing from movies. By the time I realized it was a shooting star, It was gone, swallowed in to the night and I didn't even have time to make a wish.
I think moments are a lot like that too. While you were here, we were bright beautiful and fast, yet so temporary. A bit like that shooting star. 
In the past 98 days, I have dreamed of you 97 times.
I saw you on the first day everywhere I looked. I heard your car on my driveway, heard you tapping on my window. Felt your breath whispering to my shoulder.
On the 11th day, I saw your car. Every driver had your hair, your knuckles on the steering wheel.
On the 26th day I didn't see you, but my sister did. And she told me all about you and the girl you were with. I smiled when she told me. Then when she wasn't around I threw up in the shower.
The next time I saw you it was scratched in to the park bench. I'm sure at the time you meant it, but now it's nothing more than hideous, stupid, fucking vandalism.
On the 91st day, I saw you when something made me laugh, and you weren't there to laugh at it too. That one happens a lot.  
I still see you in pistachio nut shells, shoes made for flat feet, tattoo ink, toasted sandwiches, discounts at Briscoes, rat's whiskers, forehead pimples and shooting stars.